The Aquinas Code
I was sitting around with some people tonight, and we got thinking about the whole genre of suspense anti-Catholic literature, a la the "Divinci Code". We got talking about one that we should write, and here is what we came up with. Just note, this might be considered offensive to some people.
Chapter 1.
Algiers - Five Muslim scholars are in a library tolerantly studying. In walk three Dominicans. Thomas Aquinas, Albert (some call great) and a novice, Stephan. Aquinas and Albert pull out swords and kill four of the scholars. Aquinas comes up to the last one; who says "why kill me? Am I not a Philosopher and a Human, just like you?" Aquinas says "I AM A CHRISTIAN" and kills him.
Chapter 2.
French village - Aquinas, Albert, and Stephan are walking through the town on a Friday night. They see a synagogue filled with tolerant Talmudic Scholars. Aquinas gets a torch and lights the building on fire as Albert locks the door.
Chapter 3.
A French convent - Two nuns, sister Agnes and Sister Beatrice, ask the mother superior about the gospel they just heard in mass. Agnes mentions how the priest was mis-reading the text (he was preaching war against the Muslims). The mother cuts her off and accuses her of presumption. She tells Agnes and Beatrice that a nuns duty is to only pray. Agnes mentions wanting to learn how to read so that she can study the bible "without having to listen to priests". The mother superior yells at hear and says she is close to heresy.
Chapter 4.
That night - Agnes and Beatrice decide to run away from the convent and dress as men and go to the University of Paris to learn how to read.
Chapter 5.
Paris - Aquinas, Albert, and Stephan come back from their bloody travels. Only to find two new tolerant Doctors. William of Oxford and Bonaventure. Aquinas mentions about how he has always hated Bonaventure, but Stephan has studied under the tolerant William of Oxford and has a deep respect for him. But Aquinas says that William will come to a bad end and Stephan should keep away from him.
Chapter 6.
Agnes and Beartice, dressed as men, come to Paris. They hear that the two best teachers are Aquinas and Albert; so they go to them. The evil Doctors test them and humiliate them, and tell them that they will not take them on as students. Broken hearted they wander through Paris, and run into Bonaventure the tolerant. Who sees in them great wisdom and offers them places in his class.
Chapter 7.
Unbeknownst to Aquinas, Stephan goes to see William. In his offices William introduces him to the William's brightest new student, Agnes (now going by Adam). It is love at first sight. Further William mentions that although brilliant Agnes needs a tutor, since she can't read. Stephan is all to eager. After leaving Stephan is plagued by homo-erotic thoughts.
Chapter 8.
Aquinas and Albert Plot to kill the tolerant Bonaventure and William. Stephan is becoming estranged from them.
Chapter 9.
Stephan is teaching Agnes to read. They get too close and, (you guessed it) kiss. In the heat of the moment Stephan touches Agnes' breasts only to find out he is not gay! They get down and dirty that very night.
Chapter 10.
William, in class, talks about how there are more ways to God then through the Church. Ah Ha! Aquinas has a spy in his class, Malo, who goes and reports to the evil Albert and Aquinas. They go to the local office of inquisition, which is run by Joseph of Ratzinger. They plot to kill the tolerant William.
Chapter 11.
After a wonderful but sleepless night, Stephan breaks all ties with Aquinas and Albert. He goes to William's office to tell him about his new found love for sex. He thinks that he will surprise William by telling him that Adam is really a woman. But William already knows. In fact he tells Stephan about Beatrice (who has been going by the name Ben). Also William has also been getting action from Beatrice for the last two months. Just after William finishes his story, the troops for the inquisition come in and arrest William the tolerant.
Chapter 12.
Joseph of Ratzinger examines William, ie. Tortures him. It is found out that William's father was Jewish and his mother was a Muslim. They give him a death sentence.
Chapter 13.
Williams execution. His last words are "Forgive them Father, or Mother, or Earth Goddess, or Great Power, or Allah, or Whatever". Beatrice is there and she cries. Aquinas sees this and starts to suspect something.
Chapter 14.
Beartice is forced to come to Aquinas' office. He asks her questions, but with every answer he becomes more suspicious. At one point he grabs her and she screams. He now knows she is a woman. So he blackmails her. Either she does (you know what) or he tells Joseph of Ratzinger. After all, the punishment for a Woman learning how to read is Death! After they torture her of course. She refuses.
Chapter 15.
The execution of Beatrice. First they blind her, because she dared looking at a book. Then they do the standard burning at the Stake.
Chapter 16.
Stephan, Bonaventure, and Agnes (who is now reading at a third grade level) decide that they must leave Paris. The decide to go to the only place where the truth about God, or Allah, or the Mother Spirit, is respected. Baghdad. But as they pack up Joseph of Ratzinger comes in trying to arrest them. Bonaventure fights him and kills him.
Chapter 17.
Aquinas and Albert are looking for the three of them. As they look Albert starts to question their evil ways. Aquinas won't hear any of it. Albert mentions the fifth Gospel that they found, and burned while in Algiers, the Gospel to Mary and Martha. Aquinas tells him that he will kill him if he mentions it again. Albert won't give it up, and says that maybe there are more ways to worship God, or Allah, or the World Mother, then killing people. Aquinas says "YOU TELL ME" and kills Albert.
Chapter 18.
Aquinas finds Joseph of Ratzinger's dead body. He gives up the last bit of sanity he has, and lights the whole university on fire. As he dances around a flaming beam comes down and kills him.
Chapter 19.
Bonaventure, Stephan and Agnes (who can't keep their hands of each other) walk out of Paris; Which is in flames behind them. The End
I should copyright this before someone steals it and sells millions of copies.
Chapter 1.
Algiers - Five Muslim scholars are in a library tolerantly studying. In walk three Dominicans. Thomas Aquinas, Albert (some call great) and a novice, Stephan. Aquinas and Albert pull out swords and kill four of the scholars. Aquinas comes up to the last one; who says "why kill me? Am I not a Philosopher and a Human, just like you?" Aquinas says "I AM A CHRISTIAN" and kills him.
Chapter 2.
French village - Aquinas, Albert, and Stephan are walking through the town on a Friday night. They see a synagogue filled with tolerant Talmudic Scholars. Aquinas gets a torch and lights the building on fire as Albert locks the door.
Chapter 3.
A French convent - Two nuns, sister Agnes and Sister Beatrice, ask the mother superior about the gospel they just heard in mass. Agnes mentions how the priest was mis-reading the text (he was preaching war against the Muslims). The mother cuts her off and accuses her of presumption. She tells Agnes and Beatrice that a nuns duty is to only pray. Agnes mentions wanting to learn how to read so that she can study the bible "without having to listen to priests". The mother superior yells at hear and says she is close to heresy.
Chapter 4.
That night - Agnes and Beatrice decide to run away from the convent and dress as men and go to the University of Paris to learn how to read.
Chapter 5.
Paris - Aquinas, Albert, and Stephan come back from their bloody travels. Only to find two new tolerant Doctors. William of Oxford and Bonaventure. Aquinas mentions about how he has always hated Bonaventure, but Stephan has studied under the tolerant William of Oxford and has a deep respect for him. But Aquinas says that William will come to a bad end and Stephan should keep away from him.
Chapter 6.
Agnes and Beartice, dressed as men, come to Paris. They hear that the two best teachers are Aquinas and Albert; so they go to them. The evil Doctors test them and humiliate them, and tell them that they will not take them on as students. Broken hearted they wander through Paris, and run into Bonaventure the tolerant. Who sees in them great wisdom and offers them places in his class.
Chapter 7.
Unbeknownst to Aquinas, Stephan goes to see William. In his offices William introduces him to the William's brightest new student, Agnes (now going by Adam). It is love at first sight. Further William mentions that although brilliant Agnes needs a tutor, since she can't read. Stephan is all to eager. After leaving Stephan is plagued by homo-erotic thoughts.
Chapter 8.
Aquinas and Albert Plot to kill the tolerant Bonaventure and William. Stephan is becoming estranged from them.
Chapter 9.
Stephan is teaching Agnes to read. They get too close and, (you guessed it) kiss. In the heat of the moment Stephan touches Agnes' breasts only to find out he is not gay! They get down and dirty that very night.
Chapter 10.
William, in class, talks about how there are more ways to God then through the Church. Ah Ha! Aquinas has a spy in his class, Malo, who goes and reports to the evil Albert and Aquinas. They go to the local office of inquisition, which is run by Joseph of Ratzinger. They plot to kill the tolerant William.
Chapter 11.
After a wonderful but sleepless night, Stephan breaks all ties with Aquinas and Albert. He goes to William's office to tell him about his new found love for sex. He thinks that he will surprise William by telling him that Adam is really a woman. But William already knows. In fact he tells Stephan about Beatrice (who has been going by the name Ben). Also William has also been getting action from Beatrice for the last two months. Just after William finishes his story, the troops for the inquisition come in and arrest William the tolerant.
Chapter 12.
Joseph of Ratzinger examines William, ie. Tortures him. It is found out that William's father was Jewish and his mother was a Muslim. They give him a death sentence.
Chapter 13.
Williams execution. His last words are "Forgive them Father, or Mother, or Earth Goddess, or Great Power, or Allah, or Whatever". Beatrice is there and she cries. Aquinas sees this and starts to suspect something.
Chapter 14.
Beartice is forced to come to Aquinas' office. He asks her questions, but with every answer he becomes more suspicious. At one point he grabs her and she screams. He now knows she is a woman. So he blackmails her. Either she does (you know what) or he tells Joseph of Ratzinger. After all, the punishment for a Woman learning how to read is Death! After they torture her of course. She refuses.
Chapter 15.
The execution of Beatrice. First they blind her, because she dared looking at a book. Then they do the standard burning at the Stake.
Chapter 16.
Stephan, Bonaventure, and Agnes (who is now reading at a third grade level) decide that they must leave Paris. The decide to go to the only place where the truth about God, or Allah, or the Mother Spirit, is respected. Baghdad. But as they pack up Joseph of Ratzinger comes in trying to arrest them. Bonaventure fights him and kills him.
Chapter 17.
Aquinas and Albert are looking for the three of them. As they look Albert starts to question their evil ways. Aquinas won't hear any of it. Albert mentions the fifth Gospel that they found, and burned while in Algiers, the Gospel to Mary and Martha. Aquinas tells him that he will kill him if he mentions it again. Albert won't give it up, and says that maybe there are more ways to worship God, or Allah, or the World Mother, then killing people. Aquinas says "YOU TELL ME" and kills Albert.
Chapter 18.
Aquinas finds Joseph of Ratzinger's dead body. He gives up the last bit of sanity he has, and lights the whole university on fire. As he dances around a flaming beam comes down and kills him.
Chapter 19.
Bonaventure, Stephan and Agnes (who can't keep their hands of each other) walk out of Paris; Which is in flames behind them. The End
I should copyright this before someone steals it and sells millions of copies.
1 Comments:
Dan, you are brilliant... I almost soiled myself, that was so funny.
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